I make it a point to try and not insult my wife in these posts, or even to show real anger. I do this for a reason that may or may not be rational. The way I see it, I love her, I forgive her for any of what has happened, and I want our family to have a second chance. I want to stay in that mindset of love conquers all, and face each day with open arms and an open heart. Why? Because I think there is a slippery slope. Once you start acknowleding your anger, your hurt, your resentment, you risk that anger, hurt, resentment and numbness taking over the forefront of yourself, instead of the love that was there. I don’t want to risk being numb or angry and miss an opportunity to try and fix things. But that being said, there are some things I need to get off my chest, so this will be a rant where I get all of that out finally.
Before my wife left, we had a final heart to heart, about us feeling disconnected, like we lacked long-term priorities, and about how it never seemed like I came back completely after everything I went through mentally. As we discussed, I expressed that I wondered at this point if still being on top-dose medications for my mind were part of the problem, because they left me feeling disconnected, foggy, restrained. So I proposed I try getting off my medications. We discussed the potential hazards, and made a schedule of how we would evaluate myself together, daily and weekly, to watch out for negative side effects. She wanted me to easy off the meds gradually, whereas I wanted to quit cold turkey. We decided on cold turkey, with the knowledge that we’d have to watch me carefully for the next 30 days. There were risks, such as sickness, withdrawal symptoms, and of course, when getting off meds like mine, there was a heightened likelyhood for suicide during the withdrawal. We both knew the risks, and we both agreed to face this together, and evaluate how I was after the 30 days. If it worked, I might be back to the old me, the man she married.
Well, she broke our agreeement. Not 14 days in, she left. I was in the hardest part of the withdrawal, the most dangerous part, and needed to avoid triggers, sources of stress, and sources of depression, hopelessness, and anger. Stability was my best friend. And she left. She came home, said she didn’t know if she wanted to try and fix us, and she was moving in with her mother. And just like that, she was gone. I couldn’t process it. At the hardest point in what I was doing, at the point where people Literally lose it and kill themselves, she breaks our agreement, her promise, and pulls my whole foundation out from underneath me. Were I incorrect about the fact I didn’t need the medications anymore, this could have killed me.
Fortunately, I was right. I finished out my 30 days, and came out stronger than ever. Were the problems still present, the stress and triggers from this situation would have brought them roaring back. But the anxiety, panic attacks, severe depression, all of it, gone. At that point I came to a realitization, and her parents expressed the same thing. For us to work on us, we also needed to work on ourselves. They told us both that, and I expressed that to her. So I did. Tirelessly, constantly, even when it was unbearable. I worked on my spiritual life, my health, my body, my habits and routines. I worked on my perspective, mindset, my speech, my priorities. I attacked every aspect of my life, day after day. To be a better man, husband, and father. And during this, I tried my best to keep my son from being too negatively affected by this. And he and I grew much closer. He’s become my biggest priotity.
Her and I talked about him at one point. She knows she’s hurting me, and she knows she is hurting him. But this hasn’t changed her path. I told her that when I don’t have him, it’s miserable, heartbreaking, and can be hard to function. She expressed it was just as hard for her. I disagree. I don’t doubt she misses him as much, and that she loves him as much, but there are differences here too. All I do is for him, but much of what she does is strictly for her. And when we don’t have him? I have to come home to an empty house. My friends are all in other states, my family in another state, with just my parents one town over. But her? She comes home to her parents house every day, with her sisters, her parents, and her friends to distract her on a daily basis. She faces the consequences of her actions with a small army of people to distract and comfort her. I face this consequences alone, with the exception of occasional conversations with my out of state friends.
And then we finally met up. For about 40 days, we’d been apart, to face our demons, come out stronger, and evaluate everything. I had done this, faithfully, the entire time. She had not. She had hid from this, focusing on her sisters, their proms, graduations, etc. She attended anything she could to hide form this, and spent time with friends, family, anyone to avoid being alone and having to think. So after all this time, after all the time I spend working on me, on us, and after all the effects we can already tell this is having on him, she JUST THEN decides to admit she needs to work on her, and over a month into this, tells me she is pulling Further away, keeping this family Further apart, hurting me, him, and this marriage, to BEGIN working on herself. Like he and I haven’t been through enough? And to make it worse, not only did she waste all this time leading up to now, but she also has decided to make it More difficult on me, restricting Any communication, avoiding the thought of trying to work on ourselves and eachother in the same home, and splitting our money into separate accounts so that she can feel “in charge” of a few of her bills, whille I try to keep OUR lives going with half the money. What happened to wanting me to eliminate our medical debt, our credit card bills, our collections bills? Because that is all I was doing. Her car broke, and my dad is fixing it, whether she drives it or we sell it. But she won’t consider us helping her with the car, and and she won’t drive this one in the meantime. Why? Her work feels bad for her, and is trying to use a connection to get her a car for basically her yearly bonus check. She doesn’t want to risk that, and driving a vehicle temporarily fixed for her wouldn’t look as desperate for help as having to bum rides. Makes sense, but still frustrating.
She is hurting me, and my son. She is driving our lives further apart, and does this now because she hid from this like a kid in trouble for the first 40 days she has been gone. NOW she feels the need to do what I had already been doing. And don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’s working on her. And I’m glad she hasn’t closed the door on us. But I don’t deserve this! We could at least spend some time together. Or she could come home. We could work on ourselves, give eachother space, and just get to know eachother as friends again, and slowly build from there. Our son would have his parents together, instead of getting passed around. There would be a routine, stability, consistency. She wants to feel in control of finances? She can take control of all of it, and learn that “independence that comes from controling the money”. For all I care, we can keep the accounts apart, and treat eachother as roommates. But spliting our lives further, as she “works on her” finally, and complicating every step of our lives, while hurting him, me, and herself, isn’t the way this should be. It isn’t fair. And I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m hurt. Her family, my family, myself, we all share very similar views on this. But she has dug her heels in, hurting everyone around her. And it is killing me.
It would be so easy to resent her, to be livid with her constantly. To want to HATE her. But I can’t hate her. I can’t stay livid with her. With her actions, yes. But with her, no. She’s my soulmate, my other half, my best friend. No matter what, I love her, I wait for her, I hope for her to come home. I know we’re meant to fix this, to come back together, to be a family, and I just hate how much of our lives, of the moments in the life of our son, we’re missing because of a glorified standoff where two people don’t talk about their problems or put their pride aside, and insist on doing everything by themselves.
This needs to end. She should come home. We should face this together. For us. For our son. End Rant.
Goodnight baby girl. I miss you. And I love you. Always.