Day 54

[Stats as of now: Day 54 of changes. Day 52 of no fast food or soda. Day 50 of her being gone. Also, day 37 of working out.]

Things have been stressful at work. We lost a couple more workers, and I now live in that place. It serves as a good distraction, but also as a major source of stress. One of our copy employees quit today. She didn’t tell us she quit, but rather disconnected her phone. I finally reached her online, where she told me. I also came to find out through this that her husband abuses her, and won’t let her call us, or work here anymore, because “she has been told her ONLY job now is to just stay home and handle the kids”. It left a knot in my gut. I wish I could do something to help, but it has been made clear to others that she isn’t trying to get out of this. Whether it be love, fear, or something else, you can’t help someone until they are willing to accept help.

There’s so much more I want to share, but I’m too tired. Tomorrow’s post shall be a longer one. Thanks for reading.

Goodnight baby girl. I love you. Always.

Day 54

Day 49

[Stats as of now: Day 49 of changes. Day 47 of no fast food or soda. Day 45 of her being gone. Also, day 32 of working out.]

Well, I was sick. Not in some super bad way, but I’m in day two of the rough part of some virus going around work. Feels like the flu, but with lightheaded/dizziness, nausea, and at points I feel too weak to stand. It hit myself and another full-time supervisor at work at the same time. We couldn’t even catch our breath, and at several points we had to sit on the ground for a bit. He left early, but then we had no-show’s, so I ended up having to work overtime because nobody else was there to fill in. At least the paycheck will be good. Finally held down food late last night, and slept like I was dead. I can eat today, so that’s good. Still weak, but I’m getting better.

My boy has discovered the word “buddy”, and now runs around saying “Bye Buddy!” “Love you Buddy!”. It’s adorable. He’s been so playful lately, and it’s kept me going. I managed to clean the apartment today, and do some laundry, so that the apartment is clean for him tomorrow. And now I’m sitting here watching the Blackhawks try and close out this series.

My dad goes back to the doctor on Monday. Last year, he had a rough go of it health-wise. He had issues with his lungs, and the doctors told him it was stage 4 lung cancer and he had less than 6 months to live. Before they began treatment, my dad’s company decided to send him to a specialist for a second opinion. It turned out to be a rare (but still very dangerous) fungal infection in his lung. They kept trying antibiotics, but nothing touched it. Finally, after 3 weeks of the strongest stuff they had, it went away. The lung was permanently damaged, but still functioned fairly well.

Well, recently, all the symptoms returned, and already are about as severe as round one. The doctors said if it came back, it would be a much worse second battle. So he goes in on Monday to get tested. He chain-smoked for years, and lung cancer runs in his family, so now he’s wondering which of the two it is. He may luck out, and have it be something simpler. Who knows. I can only pray and hope for now. We’ll know soon enough.

I wish I had my wife here with me through all of this. This is taking a toll on me, and my boy. But it is what it is for now I guess. Well, I’m going to go finish watching the game. Night everyone. And goodnight baby girl. I love you. Always

Day 49

I’ve been thinking

It’s time for me to go to the doctor. I’ve been off my meds for a while, cut out the fast food and soda, started working out, lost some weight. But something still feels off. Some of it can be chalked up to depression and stress, but still. I feel off. Unexpected losses of all energy, lightheartedness, things like that, and they’ve continued periodically despite the changes. It’s probably nothing, or at least nothing these changes won’t address. But I haven’t been in a year.

And besides, cancer has riddled both sides of my family tree, as has heart issues. My heart was checked recently when I was hospitalized for a ruptured esophagus (long story), but the rest I’d like to check. In the last year, 2 more family members diagnosed with cancer, and in the last 2 years I’ve had 3 family members diagnosed with it, 2 friends die from it, and 1 battling round 4 with cancer. Another friend died 3 months ago from a sudden stroke that left him brain-dead. I want to see my son grow up, and I’m making good changes, but I’d rather be safe.

Another thought has plagued me, a what-if. I’ll be fine, but let’s do a hypothetical here. Not paranoia. Just a question of what I would do if this situation occurred in these circumstances. So… Let’s say I go in, and it’s cancer. I realize how much trouble I’m in, and the battle I’m about to have. What do I do? Do I tell her right away? In a perfect world, she hears, and the shock gives her perspective, she snaps out of this, and comes home. But realistically, I fear 2 other scenarios. 1.) She finds out, feels bad for me, but stays separated, and the fact she won’t be with me for the hardest/possibly final part of my life crushes me. or 2.) She comes home, but is only there out of guilt, and not love, and the emotional distance and knowledge of why she’s there crushes me. Either of these is an uglier thought than I can stand right now.

I know, I’m trapped so much in my own head tonight, but I can’t help it. And this all sounds crazy, which is why I need to get it out here. I miss her. This is killing me. I carry on, and I work to grow, but every day breaks my heart. Goodnight everyone

I’ve been thinking

I’m struggling

The last 48 hours have been miserable. In general, I’ve survived this situation well, and I’ve gotten stronger with each day. But at the end of the day, I’m still recovering from some issues, issues she was always there to help me face. Fortunately, these issues haven’t really shown up through this, leading me to hope I may be past them for good.

But the past 2 days have been miserable. The stress, the loneliness, the effect on me physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m miserable. I’m hurting. I’m exhausted. And I need my wife, my soul mate, my best friend. She’s always been there for me in situations like this. She doesn’t even typically have to do anything; Simply being there is enough to give me vast amounts of strength and hope.

I want to tell her I need her, to ask her to come home, because I need help right now, because I’m hurting. But neither outcome would be bode well for me. She either crushes me, doesn’t come home, and not only do I hurt, but I also lose hope. Or she comes home, feels I guilt her into it, and she’s here despite not wanting to be, and I am resented for it. Either way, it sets me back. So I continue to try to make it through this alone, touching on it occasionally with those who know. Hopefully it passes soon. It’s just a few bad days together, and it has too let up soon, right?

In the meantime, I pray, and I hope. Honestly, I’d give anything just for a text that says “I still love you. Don’t give up”. That would be encouragement enough to last me quite a while. But  I don’t think I’ll get that…

Off to work. Thanks for reading.

I’m struggling

Day 41-42

[Stats as of now: Day 42 of changes. Day 40 of no fast food or soda. Day 38 of her being gone. Also, day 25 of working out.]

Sorry for the last post. Needed to get that off my chest here, before I directed it at her or someone else. I’m sure by morning I’ll think back on it and regret it a bit, finding it too harsh.

Yesterday: We slept in a bit. Got up, he was still tired, and he went right back down. He got back up around 10:30, and we ate. Afterwards we played, got dressed, and then I took him to meet her at a haircut place. The little guy got his first haircut, and he loved it. They gave him a sucker, and had Finding Nemo on the tv. He looks so much older now. Afterwards, she took him, and we parted ways. I stopped by work for a second, and ended up having to work for several hours, so that was a good distraction. Afterwards, I got home, worked out, ate, and tried to relax for the evening. It wasn’t successful, but hey, the Blackhawks won, and that made me very happy.

Today: I slept in. Woke up, ate, went to the store to get the cats some more food. Came home, cleaned some, watched tv. Ate, worked out, and here I am. I’ll game a bit, and then crash, because I get him at 7AM tomorrow. Not much else to say this time around.

Thanks for reading.

Goodnight baby girl. I miss you. And I love you. Always

Day 41-42

I need to get 40+ days of anger out

I make it a point to try and not insult my wife in these posts, or even to show real anger. I do this for a reason that may or may not be rational. The way I see it, I love her, I forgive her for any of what has happened, and I want our family to have a second chance. I want to stay in that mindset of love conquers all, and face each day with open arms and an open heart. Why? Because I think there is a slippery slope. Once you start acknowleding your anger, your hurt, your resentment, you risk that anger, hurt, resentment and numbness taking over the forefront of yourself, instead of the love that was there. I don’t want to risk being numb or angry and miss an opportunity to try and fix things. But that being said, there are some things I need to get off my chest, so this will be a rant where I get all of that out finally.
Before my wife left, we had a final heart to heart, about us feeling disconnected, like we lacked long-term priorities, and about how it never seemed like I came back completely after everything I went through mentally. As we discussed, I expressed that I wondered at this point if still being on top-dose medications for my mind were part of the problem, because they left me feeling disconnected, foggy, restrained. So I proposed I try getting off my medications. We discussed the potential hazards, and made a schedule of how we would evaluate myself together, daily and weekly, to watch out for negative side effects. She wanted me to easy off the meds gradually, whereas I wanted to quit cold turkey. We decided on cold turkey, with the knowledge that we’d have to watch me carefully for the next 30 days. There were risks, such as sickness, withdrawal symptoms, and of course, when getting off meds like mine, there was a heightened likelyhood for suicide during the withdrawal. We both knew the risks, and we both agreed to face this together, and evaluate how I was after the 30 days. If it worked, I might be back to the old me, the man she married.
Well, she broke our agreeement. Not 14 days in, she left. I was in the hardest part of the withdrawal, the most dangerous part, and needed to avoid triggers, sources of stress, and sources of depression, hopelessness, and anger. Stability was my best friend. And she left. She came home, said she didn’t know if she wanted to try and fix us, and she was moving in with her mother. And just like that, she was gone. I couldn’t process it. At the hardest point in what I was doing, at the point where people Literally lose it and kill themselves, she breaks our agreement, her promise, and pulls my whole foundation out from underneath me. Were I incorrect about the fact I didn’t need the medications anymore, this could have killed me.
Fortunately, I was right. I finished out my 30 days, and came out stronger than ever. Were the problems still present, the stress and triggers from this situation would have brought them roaring back. But the anxiety, panic attacks, severe depression, all of it, gone. At that point I came to a realitization, and her parents expressed the same thing. For us to work on us, we also needed to work on ourselves. They told us both that, and I expressed that to her. So I did. Tirelessly, constantly, even when it was unbearable. I worked on my spiritual life, my health, my body, my habits and routines. I worked on my perspective, mindset, my speech, my priorities. I attacked every aspect of my life, day after day. To be a better man, husband, and father. And during this, I tried my best to keep my son from being too negatively affected by this. And he and I grew much closer. He’s become my biggest priotity.
Her and I talked about him at one point. She knows she’s hurting me, and she knows she is hurting him. But this hasn’t changed her path. I told her that when I don’t have him, it’s miserable, heartbreaking, and can be hard to function. She expressed it was just as hard for her. I disagree. I don’t doubt she misses him as much, and that she loves him as much, but there are differences here too. All I do is for him, but much of what she does is strictly for her. And when we don’t have him? I have to come home to an empty house. My friends are all in other states, my family in another state, with just my parents one town over. But her? She comes home to her parents house every day, with her sisters, her parents, and her friends to distract her on a daily basis. She faces the consequences of her actions with a small army of people to distract and comfort her. I face this consequences alone, with the exception of occasional conversations with my out of state friends.
And then we finally met up. For about 40 days, we’d been apart, to face our demons, come out stronger, and evaluate everything. I had done this, faithfully, the entire time. She had not. She had hid from this, focusing on her sisters, their proms, graduations, etc. She attended anything she could to hide form this, and spent time with friends, family, anyone to avoid being alone and having to think. So after all this time, after all the time I spend working on me, on us, and after all the effects we can already tell this is having on him, she JUST THEN decides to admit she needs to work on her, and over a month into this, tells me she is pulling Further away, keeping this family Further apart, hurting me, him, and this marriage, to BEGIN working on herself. Like he and I haven’t been through enough? And to make it worse, not only did she waste all this time leading up to now, but she also has decided to make it More difficult on me, restricting Any communication, avoiding the thought of trying to work on ourselves and eachother in the same home, and splitting our money into separate accounts so that she can feel “in charge” of a few of her bills, whille I try to keep OUR lives going with half the money. What happened to wanting me to eliminate our medical debt, our credit card bills, our collections bills? Because that is all I was doing. Her car broke, and my dad is fixing it, whether she drives it or we sell it. But she won’t consider us helping her with the car, and and she won’t drive this one in the meantime. Why? Her work feels bad for her, and is trying to use a connection to get her a car for basically her yearly bonus check. She doesn’t want to risk that, and driving a vehicle temporarily fixed for her wouldn’t look as desperate for help as having to bum rides. Makes sense, but still frustrating.
She is hurting me, and my son. She is driving our lives further apart, and does this now because she hid from this like a kid in trouble for the first 40 days she has been gone. NOW she feels the need to do what I had already been doing. And don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she’s working on her. And I’m glad she hasn’t closed the door on us. But I don’t deserve this! We could at least spend some time together. Or she could come home. We could work on ourselves, give eachother space, and just get to know eachother as friends again, and slowly build from there. Our son would have his parents together, instead of getting passed around. There would be a routine, stability, consistency. She wants to feel in control of finances? She can take control of all of it, and learn that “independence that comes from controling the money”. For all I care, we can keep the accounts apart, and treat eachother as roommates. But spliting our lives further, as she “works on her” finally, and complicating every step of our lives, while hurting him, me, and herself, isn’t the way this should be. It isn’t fair. And I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m hurt. Her family, my family, myself, we all share very similar views on this. But she has dug her heels in, hurting everyone around her. And it is killing me.
It would be so easy to resent her, to be livid with her constantly. To want to HATE her. But I can’t hate her. I can’t stay livid with her. With her actions, yes. But with her, no. She’s my soulmate, my other half, my best friend. No matter what, I love her, I wait for her, I hope for her to come home. I know we’re meant to fix this, to come back together, to be a family, and I just hate how much of our lives, of the moments in the life of our son, we’re missing because of a glorified standoff where two people don’t talk about their problems or put their pride aside, and insist on doing everything by themselves.
This needs to end. She should come home. We should face this together. For us. For our son.  End Rant.
Goodnight baby girl. I miss you. And I love you. Always.

I need to get 40+ days of anger out

Day 40

[Stats as of now: Day 40 of changes. Day 38 of no fast food or soda. Day 36 of her being gone. Also, day 23 of working out.]

Actually had a good day at work today. When work ended, I went to my parents to pick up my son. We hung out there for a while, ate, played, talked, etc. When we got home, he crashed almost immediately. Not much else eventful today. I’m struggling with some feelings right now, but I’ll express all that later. I’m bringing him to his first haircut in the morning, and she’ll be meeting me for that. Wish me luck.

Goodnight baby girl. I love you. Always

Day 40

Day 36-39

[Stats as of now: Day 39 of changes. Day 37 of no fast food or soda. Day 35 of her being gone. Also, day 22 of working out.]

Things have not went smoothly, and I’m sorry for the multi-day absence. My boy felt better Monday morning. I brought him to the babysitter, and went to work. Work was alright. Got off, picked him up, we played, ate, etc, and then he went to bed. I worked out and then it took me forever to sleep. I’ve been having nightmares….

Tuesday: My boy and I slept in a bit, till a little after 8:00. We got up, ate, played, and then I brought him to the babysitter. This shift at work was the thing of nightmares. I was the closing manager, we had call-outs, were understaffed, and with an hour to go we got slammed, and were also hit by a thief, a scammer, and a rage-filled psychotic customer who was blaming us because they broke their own merchandise. We left well past an hour later than we are typically allowed too, and never at that job have I been so stressed. I came home, worked out, and watched my team win their hockey game. The game went into triple overtime, so it went on till nearly 2am. Was exhausted, but it was worth it. My wife had him Tuesday night, so it was lonely at home and I was grateful for a distraction.

Wednesday: I didn’t have my son that morning, so I slept in as much as I could before work. Work actually went well. There was a call-in, but we held up ok, and we had nice customers all day. I left work in a good mood and came home ready to work on his room and relax. But when I got home, my wife texted me, asking if I’d be willing to meet up to discuss things. I knew this could be bad, but she wanted to talk, so I had to say yes.

We met at a Mcdonalds, where we got drinks (water for me, some frozen raspberry drink for her), and we sat down to talk. I’m still processing the conversation that followed. We discussed basics, and clarified old comments We caught up a bit. Then it got more serious. There was a good side to this. She Finally came to realize that we both have issues and demons we need to face in our own lives in order to be better people, better parents, and better spouses. She also didn’t officially rule out us getting back together one day. But she did decide that she wasn’t coming back for quite a while, we wouldn’t be talking or doing anything together, and she wanted to take the step of separate bank accounts. She needs to replace her car, and she’s decided to do that without my help. She will get her own car, her own insurance, and she will assume her credit card and student loan payments, as well as her phone. She will also take over paying the babysitter. All other bills, mine and “ours” will fall to me, but once the dust settles and we have clear figures, she will contribute as needed to the “ours” category, as well anything needed to fairly split the cost of us taking care of our son.

I get it? I mean, she wants to get a feel for finances, feel in control, and learn some more independence. She was in a controlling home, and was then married at 19. Maybe she well does need this. But it always comes with a nervousness, as drastic parts of our lives pull ever-further apart. But she has admitted she needs to and is ready to work on herself. That may be a good sign. I just wish we could work on ourselves while also slowly working on us, and maybe going to counseling together. I don’t want us constantly getting more distant. But this is out of my hands for now. All I can do is hope.

Today: I only got 3 hours of sleep. Woke up with a stress-caused migraine. Still ended up having to go to work, but it had let up some by then. Work was alright, just exhausting. After work, I picked up my son, and had dinner with my parents. We came home, he and I played, and then I put him to bed for the night. I watched my hockey team lose, worked out, and then finally caught up on this. Now? Time to try and sleep again. Hopefully the dreams are good tonight. Thanks for reading.

Goodnight baby girl. I love you. Always. Never forget that.

Day 36-39

A recap of my own journey

So, I’ve been thinking recently, I talk a lot about the bad, and touch on the good a bit when it comes to myself. But I think it might be a nice change of pace, and a bit of encouraging perspective for me, to sit down and write a recap of all the good to come of the past 36 days of changes, and especially during the 32 days she has been gone. So bear with me with I talk about myself for a little while.
The physical first. I have made it 34 days without soda or fast food. I knew these things were a major cause of my headaches, my weight gain, my stomach problems, etc. So I cut them out, and for the first week I lived off water, milk, and powerade. Starting the second week, I cut out the powerade as well. Just these changes stopped many of my headaches, all my stomache issues, and made me feel better overall. I also rid the home of junk food, leading to me eating less, and eating healthier.
This left a void in what I ate, and I’ve never known how to cook. So I started looking things up online, and began to learn and practice cooking. I started with simple frozen meals, then more in-depth ones. I worked on easy things like eggs, then on to pasta. I try to practice a few new things each week, either fresh or frozen, to widen the variety of things I can cook and that I enjoy.
I began to work out. Today marks 19 days in a row. I was very out of shape when I started, and I believe the pathetic stats on day 1 were 6 pushups, 8 situps, and then I wheezed like a fat kid and went down. But with each day, my strength grew, my energy grew, and my breathing grew easier. Currently I tend to do 15 pushups, 20 situps, 50-100 crunches, light cardio, intense stretching, and anything else I can think of when time permits. Not fantastic numbers, but a start.
Combine these with the fact that before all this began, I had just begun getting off my meds, and these together have had a wonderful effect. I’ve losing weight, putting on muscle, and getting thinner/more fit with each day. I almost never have headaches, I’ve yet to have any stomache issues, and I have far more energy. And what they say about junk food and antidepressants is true: They kill your sex drive. I didn’t realize how badly until I was free of all of it. And looking back, I regret the lack of intimacy late in our marriage, as I know it helped speed the growing distance between us.
I also worked on distractions. I rid myself of all the things I would typically do that distract me, from this situation and in general. Websites, memberships, games, groups, anything not necessary that was detracting from my life. Some of those things, the games, the groups, were part of my daily routine for the past 3 years. But the new time allowed me to face my current problems head on, to work on myself, to face my demons, and to become a better man and a better dad.
I worked on my spiritual life. I pray daily. I go to church when possible. I find myself listening to music I would have once mocked when I’m in the car with my son. I trust Him with things I once would have struggled with giving over to Him. It’s also led me to work on issues with my character. I work towards being less cynical and sarcastic. I make it a point to not insult, to not mock, and to try to remove vulgarity from my speech. To break out of my comfort zone, and do things I typically wouldn’t, whether they be social, attending events, anything. These things take dedication, but are very much worth it.
I’ve become more goal-oriented. I’ve nearly rid us of all of our doctor bills and collections bills. I have a budget now, and a long-term game plan. I’ve redone most of the apartment, made a plan for us to move out of it, and even have nearly finished my son’s new playroom. I’m more aggressive at work when it comes to my career, and am now in line for a promotion to a higher level of management.

I’ve reached out, moved beyond my grudges, forgiven, and asked for forgiveness. I work at being more social. I’ve apologized to her family, and grown much closer to them through this. Her parents have been a source of great encouragement for me. I just hate that something so good had to be formed out of something so bad. Had I moved beyond my pride sooner, it wouldn’t have taken something like this.
My perspective has changed so much through this experience. I’m depressed, sure. I’m heartbroken. But I’ve used this situation to grow stronger, as a man and a father. I faced down my demons, rather than letting them consume me, and I went straight at my problems, rather than distracting myself and running away from them. I will continue on, tackling something new each day, always trying to learn and grow. I am a good man, and a good father, and I will keep growing into a better and better husband. I just hope I get to be that man for my wife. I regret the opportunities I squandered, to show her how much she means to me, to make her feel loved, to make her feel romanced, cherished, valued, to make her feel precious. She is my treasure, my soulmate, my other half, my best friend. And I miss my friend…I want to spend the rest of my life growing, with her, and showing her how much she means to me. I only hope I’ll be given that opportunity once again. It will take time, but I’m in this for the long-haul. Always and forever.

A recap of my own journey

Day 35

[Stats as of now: Day 35 of changes. Day 33 of no fast food or soda. Day 31 of her being gone. Also, day 18 of working out.]

He was sick again today. I knew it, because he slept in past 8am. If he does that, especially if it’s by more than an hour, then he doesn’t feel good. So we got up a bit before 10. I tried to feed him some food, but he wouldn’t eat anything, and he was very clingy. I didn’t want to bring him out to my parents feeling like that, so I missed church and stayed here with him. He ended up on the couch, cuddled up with me, asking me to read him books. So we did that for a while.

I tried feeding him again, chicken tenders and fries (a guilty pleasure for us that he loves), but he wouldn’t go for that either. Eventually, he took a nap, and I cleaned and did laundry. When he got up, I tried yogurt, but he barely touched it. So we played more, and I worked on his bedroom a bit. Eventually, he walked up to me, excited, shortly before bed, and yelled “EAT!”. So I asked him what he wanted, and he yelled “Sausage! and Eggs!”. This made me happy, because that has become my best go-to meal, and I continue to improve upon it. So I made it while he waited with me in the kitchen, and then set him up in his highchair to eat. And the kid cleared his plate, every single bit. I was so proud, not just because he finally ate today, and ate so much, but also because he genuinely loved my cooking. Learning to cook has been one of the positives to come out of this whole situation.

After he ate, we hung out a bit, and then he went to sleep for the night. After that, I did the usual. Cleaned up from dinner, picked up his toys, did dishes, worked out, etc. Now I’m sitting here, trying to unwind. But at this point each night, my mind is consumed in thought.

She always said that when I truly needed her, she’d be there, no matter what. Well, I need her. Not in that desperate, pathetic, I can’t live without you sort of way, but in that part of me is missing kind of way. She is who I turned to for encouragement when times were hard, who I celebrated with when I had good news or had a happy achievement. She isn’t just my wife; She’s my best friend, and has been for 11 years now. My son being sick, my son loving my food, a recent promotion I learned yesterday that I might receive, all of these things I want to share with her. But I can’t just tell her I need her right now. Even if it somehow resulted in her coming back, she’d be coming back out of guilt, not because she wants too, and that wouldn’t help anything.

I wonder sometimes, if she knew about this site, if she would read it. Even if she did, I doubt she’d care right now. But the thought sometimes passes through my head. I’m not going to tell her, because it would come off as a desperate attempt to “prove something” or guilt her, and I don’t want that. Just a thought that comes to me from time to time, and this is where I get these thoughts out. I’m lonely. But, my best friend may swing by tomorrow before he leaves the state. He’s the only friend besides my brother who knows, and he wants to see my son too before he leaves. That will be fun.

I hope those of you who follow my blog are doing well today. I appreciate you keeping up with my life, and I appreciate those who comment. Goodnight everyone.

Goodnight babe. I miss you. And I love you. Always

Day 35