I’ve been thinking

It’s time for me to go to the doctor. I’ve been off my meds for a while, cut out the fast food and soda, started working out, lost some weight. But something still feels off. Some of it can be chalked up to depression and stress, but still. I feel off. Unexpected losses of all energy, lightheartedness, things like that, and they’ve continued periodically despite the changes. It’s probably nothing, or at least nothing these changes won’t address. But I haven’t been in a year.

And besides, cancer has riddled both sides of my family tree, as has heart issues. My heart was checked recently when I was hospitalized for a ruptured esophagus (long story), but the rest I’d like to check. In the last year, 2 more family members diagnosed with cancer, and in the last 2 years I’ve had 3 family members diagnosed with it, 2 friends die from it, and 1 battling round 4 with cancer. Another friend died 3 months ago from a sudden stroke that left him brain-dead. I want to see my son grow up, and I’m making good changes, but I’d rather be safe.

Another thought has plagued me, a what-if. I’ll be fine, but let’s do a hypothetical here. Not paranoia. Just a question of what I would do if this situation occurred in these circumstances. So… Let’s say I go in, and it’s cancer. I realize how much trouble I’m in, and the battle I’m about to have. What do I do? Do I tell her right away? In a perfect world, she hears, and the shock gives her perspective, she snaps out of this, and comes home. But realistically, I fear 2 other scenarios. 1.) She finds out, feels bad for me, but stays separated, and the fact she won’t be with me for the hardest/possibly final part of my life crushes me. or 2.) She comes home, but is only there out of guilt, and not love, and the emotional distance and knowledge of why she’s there crushes me. Either of these is an uglier thought than I can stand right now.

I know, I’m trapped so much in my own head tonight, but I can’t help it. And this all sounds crazy, which is why I need to get it out here. I miss her. This is killing me. I carry on, and I work to grow, but every day breaks my heart. Goodnight everyone